The Vortex Bottle: Miller’s Latest Gimmick

Posted on May 11th, 2010

We’ve discussed the unfortunate business decisions made by the big corporate brewing companies many times. I really thought I’d seen it all when it came to dumb and gimmicky ways to sell watery, tasteless beer, but I never saw this coming. MillerCoors has unveiled a new bottle for Miller Lite, dubbed the “Vortex Bottle,” which has specially designed grooves in the neck to “create a vortex as you’re pouring the beer.” This might be the dumbest idea I’ve ever heard. I haven’t been able to get my hands on one of these beauties yet, but I have to assume it’s suppose to twist and spin the beer as it comes out,  therefore somehow making it taste better . . . or something. It seems to me all it will do is make for a foamy pour and momentarily distract for the fact that what’s in the bottle is the same tasteless stuff it always has been.

It some ways it doesn’t surprise me that they are resorting to tactics like a “vortex bottle” or a Coors Light 12-pack box with a window in it. All of these are changes to the presentation and packaging of their beer, not the actual beer itself. With craft beer now the fastest rising segment of alcohol in America, the big brewers know that they can no longer get by claiming their taste is superior as more and more people are trying and enjoying quality craft beer that tastes good. Honestly, I’d be shocked if we don’t see more of these kind of scams. I’m going to take it as a good sign- the more ridiculous they get, the more desperate it means they are because craft beer continues to grow.

  • Tod

    As suspected, the bottle claims to increase aroma but fails. I hoped it would increase the pouring speed down my gullet but failed once again. The last gimmick I will fall for until they release a bottle with a pop tab on the bottom so I can shotgun a real vented beer. They pissed people off once again with their gimmicks and lies.

  • Cmdrtrekk

    My guess is the “Vortex” which is a series of humps, causes the beer to start fizzing sooner. I suspect this is probably because the majority of people who drink this stuff pour their beers wrong. That is, lightly onto the side of the glass. So when they drink it, it has no head, so no smell and too carbonated. The vortex design wouldn't actually cause it to spin or anything, just pre-carbonate.
    Laaaame. Don't even get me started about the Coor's temperature window.

  • BrankyCastard

    Vortex bottle? How fast do you need beer to come out of a bottle is beyond me. It is like the top of the can that you poke in the top with your key for air to flow into the can as you drink. Here is a novel idea. If your that big of a drunk that you need to have your beer faster, Have a friend pour your next beer in a glass for you so you can chug it when ready. No need for a stupid “Vortex Bottle” or a stupid ass can that you need a set of keys or something to pop the hole in it. Coors has that dumbass idea with the Cold Activated thing on the side of the bottle, so you know when it is at the right temperature for you to drink it. NOW, They got 2 of them like the first one wasn’t good enough. No regular guy is going to put it in the fridge and check on it to see if they are at the right temperature before drinking it. I can see Billy at the frat house offering one to Jimmy. Jimmy takes a look and notices that the Mountains aren’t Blue, and turns it down, places it back in the fridge till it reaches it Optimum temperature for consumption. Beer company R&D are really grabbing at straws buy doing crap like that, instead of relying on what the container holds. Drink a good beer from a company that doesn’t rely on the Gimmicks.

  • WoofMan

    Idiotic. Why would you need to guzzle beer faster? The whole point of drinking beer is to savor it and enjoy the brew. If you drink actual beer instead of Miller Lite, you can get a nice buzz drinking it at a reasonable pace. Miller Lite is only 4.2%. Most good IPAs are at least 6 or 7% and many are quite a bit higher. If you really need to get drunk fast, drink booze. That isn’t what beer is for.

  • Nikolai Ross

    Dead site. Wonder how that happened lmfao.